I'm sitting in bed. It's currently 2:48AM. I stalled on writing my lesson plan and wanted to do anything BUT that. So I was on Facebook. Then I thought of my old roommate Melanie and checked her page. I visited her blog and felt inspired to write in mine. I seriously haven't written in here for so long. 

I got back to Bloomington around 10PM tonight. Kirstin drove me home. I don't think I'm going to church with her tomorrow because I'm going to be exhausted from jet lag and because I need to complete my lesson plan due Monday. This spring break revealed to me that how bright life seems depends on my attitude. If I'm negative all the time, that's going to be the lens through which I see the world. If I choose to be pleasant, loving, and positive, then the world will appear as such. Being in Indiana, I thought that going home would solve all my problems. That I would be happy and content nesting in the warmth of loving family, friends, and my fiancé. That I would feel comfort being in a familiar place, surrounded by people of my ethnic group and yet an impressive array of diversity. That I would bask in the warm sunshine and be rejuvenated. That I would feel like I'm in a safe haven. But it was the opposite. I was bitter, frustrated, irritable, unloving, selfish, and disobedient. All of this mainly because I was bitter about Indiana. So I carried that bitterness with me to California and it just brought damage everywhere I went. I couldn't enjoy my break because I was anxious about going back to Indy. I was unhappy about being here alone in a place where I don't think I can ever call home. So I was not happy with Indy, and I wasn't happy being in CA either. If CA couldn't make me happy, I don't know anywhere else on earth that would. CA is my home. Then it struck me that my attitude had spoiled my break and that a place will be as bright and pleasant as it can be if I choose to see it as such. I generalized that revelation to my being in Indiana and feel convinced that I needed change. I will not wake up another day feeling defeated, depressed, isolated, and bitter. I will conquer this. I will wake up each morning thanking God for a new day, for the opportunity to be here, for the chance to get an education, and for it to be funded. My relationship with God has been torn into rags. It's broken. It's messy. I don't know how to approach him. I feel like I've failed a million times--over and over I trip on the same rock, as well as over new ones. I don't know how to fix this. Only Jesus can and he has already done it. I need to accept what he has done and faithfully, trustingly follow.

I wanna start a blog on story telling! Sometimes, I have these really vivid moments in life where I just want to capture in words and permanently freeze those moments in amber. The darkened sepia hue emits a sense of antiquity and nostalgia.

Anyway, I'm finally blogging after being on a xanga hiatus for so long. SO, here are some updates on my college life. I have submitted three graduate applications thus far: Columbia, Arizona State University, Indiana University. Me falta una mas: San Diego State University. It's been really tough to remove my mind from apps and focus on my current class projects. I can't multitask and can only focus on one thing at a time, which leads me to having tunnel vision sometimes. Nonetheless, such a relief to have turned everything in! Now I realllllly want to finish up SDSU's application so that I can spend Thanksgiving break working on my book review for DUMB LUCK by Vu Trong Phung, and possibly getting started with my Spanish or Linguistics project--either or.

I've been MIA from a lot of extracurricular activities this quarter. The only thing I've been committing to is church/family time--Wednesdays and Sundays basically. Other than that, I haven't really been out to very many VNLC or Hunger Project events, which I kinda feel bad about because I used to be so active and on staff last year. Now it's completely no-show, but mostly because I just wanted to focus on my graduate applications. But after this quarter, I'm going to force myself to be a bit a more active. DON'T WANT TO BE IDLE.

Mis companeras de cuarto estan durmiendose aqui esta noche--por fin. no habian estado en casa por mucho tiempo, o sea muchas noches y ahora tenerlas aqui me hace sentir bien y acompanada. Creo que Dios nos puso en nosotros un deseo para tener la comunidad y las relaciones con otros, para que no seamos solos ni aislados. Y eso es muy importante porque sin personas en nuestras vidas, no hay nadie al que podemos amar ni hay nadie que puede amarnos. Asi que la comunidad entre creyentes (o gente en general) es una necesidad para todos.